So, I haven't updated in a while.  I was going to quit... but sometimes, I just need a realease.

This semester I set my priorities straight.  I have core values, i have morals, and promises I have made to myself are of importance.  I realized how important my family is to me, how when I can see my mom smiling, when i see that it's her calling me, i feel good.  Random updates from my brother, make me feel good inside.

However, I had no idea how hard it would be for me to not have a boyfriend.  As much as I love to believe i'm independant, as much as i love to think that I am so strong.  I am weak, and so codependant. I need someone to assure me, someone who listens, i need to know i am not the only one.

There WAS this person in my life, this person was so close to me, i talked to him for  hours.... but all i did was hurt us both because of my damn priorities that for once in my life i'm too damn stubbern to change.  Right now determines who I will become, what I will become... More than anything i wanted to spend nights talking with him, I loved it, but what I can't do is let that be over my school.  The school I pay for, the school that my parents made sacrifices to put me here.  The school that is now becoming my life. 

I am sorry to you.  I am sorry.  It hurts me more that you'll know. 

I have never had girls like me, for me.  I have never really been me around girls.  But Friday night, all i know, is that I had the best time of my life.  The scariest thing was it was with all girls, i was so relaxed.  I can trust these girls, not completely, but gradually.  A girl from the DZ's was more than willing to help me with a paper. 

I guess I'm not depressed, I'm not sad.  I am actually doing quite well, I am having a great time.  The only thing that is killing me, is the fact that he won't be apart of my happiness anymore.  The things i missed with Devin and I, I found in him, but now he too is gone.  I guess that gives me a new adventure, find those comforts in myself.

So, I love creighton, I love college.  Rush yesterday was so fun! It was hilarious, granted it's not a "dirty" rush, but it was funny! I finally picked where I belong, it's up to them to pick me! I  hope so, I loved hanging out w/ them.  Anyhow, last night was really boring.  WEll besides alex in spandex and steve ... umm completely drunk.  (side note... my roommate and her boyfriend are getting a couple's plan, KERRIE YOU ARE NUTZ!). Steve exploded in the bathroom, it was sick.  Nothing else exciting happened, so i can't tell you why i was up until 2:30!!! Damn it! 

Tonight me and 13 guys went to dinner, haha! This whole sorority thing will be quite different, haha.  Imagine me being with 13 girls, and having fun! wooot woot! i can't wait, i hope i am not disappointed tomorrow! 

Off to do lots of homework, ic an't believe how much i have. 

I am wonderful.  Really I am.  It's great!  I love seeing everyone again, I missed the boys (6th floor guys, all of them!).  Today I had just one class, yippy! I had a meeting about appealing a grade, my first C ever, yuck! in THEOLOGY!, I thought that would be an easy A, turns out the teacher hated me.  Oh well.  I am so excited for the rest of the semester.

So "rushing" isn't what i thought, when they said "parties" i thought PARTIES! no, it's just a bunch of girls in a room singing and dancing, yippy (notice the sarcasim).  It is really fun meeting a lot of girls, I can already tell where I fit in and where i don't. 

I WANT TO BE BACK IN KIEWIT SO BAD!!! At first i was so nervous, because i thought i changed, but so has everyone.  I can't wait to be back and have a schedule (freaking, yes i know, I love schedules and routine, probably some sort of disorder).  Creaighton is awesome. 

It's funny because as much as i tell myself, "NO BOYFRIENDS"  I keep looking around thinking "Gosh, he'd be perfect to date" then i kick myself, JESSICA NO!!... but i can't help but want that closeness and comfort again, now i am completely over devin, YESS!! i can say it! wooot woot! So, maybe my rule will be broken, but only for the right guy, and after a while of getting to know him and him spending big bucks on me *JUST KIDDING*  he has to be sweet, unlike the other jackasses.

colors of wonderful tonight! sweetest dreams.

Currently Playing Exodus [2001 Remaster] By Bob Marley & the Wailers Three Little Birds see related

First day of classes... Sounds weird but i was really nervous.  Turns out I somehow got into a class that i don't have a pre-req for... somehow.  That made me nervous in the class, being the ONLY freshman and I didn't know what the hell was going on.  I have a meeting with the professor later... bought the wrong books from my roommate, hopefully she'll give me my money back.  And... I still have to take care of the dogs since the parents are still in Arizona with Jeff (by the way, I am jealous of that, warm weather and a vacation, nice)... So the dogs will be in the house from approx. 9am this morning until 11 pm tonight, but maybe i'll have enough time to make the 45 min there and then 45 min back trip, and then 30 min ttrying to find a parking spot.  wow this is a lot of bitching, but damn it, first day of school sucks! 

Good news, haven't thought about Devin at all since the breakthrough, well this is the first time... YES i'm not an obsessive freak!

It's weird seeing everyone again... but I dont know... hopefully things will go back to how they were before break, but I think I've changed too much, with everything going on, I grew up fast, again.  I am doing soroity recruiment... except I'm REALLY nervous because I have no idea what to expect... Hopefully it'll go better than my classes....

RULES for this semester:
1) No going out on Weeknights (exception of work and family)
2) Absolutely NO boyfriend/relationship (and NO girls either, I AM NOT A LESBIAN!)

that's all for now...

Currently Playing Legend (New Packaging) By Bob Marley & The Wailers see related

So, I think Seth and I finally figured out my problem and it's QUITE the breakthrough...

Well, I do not miss Devin.  Yeah surprise!!! I miss the feeling of how it felt having what we had.  I miss being able to call him when I wanted to share a story, when I needed someone to cry to, when I just wanted to talk... I miss just relaxing... I miss how I was with him.  That's that.  I do not miss him, in fact, it could have been ANYone and I would still miss it.  But now that that's settle, I am going to work on my strength as a SINGLY independant college WOMAN! woot woot (that was for Seth, haha)...

And, NO! answering the questions now, Seth is not my boyfriend, just probably my best friend at this moment, seems to be the only one who cares!

More of my thoughts... 
I think I've been thinking too much lately... way to much! And thanks to Jake for having me answer all these philosophical questions last night, i didn't stop thinking!  

You know what I want to do?  just lay outside in the middle of the 8+ inches of snow and watch it fall fromt eh sky.... every done that?  It's so wonderful, besides the fact that after a while my face turns numb.